I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
