My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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