hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
