Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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