his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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