Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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