I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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