He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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