i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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