Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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