I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
