so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
