I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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