Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
