coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
