I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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