Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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