Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
