Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
