the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
