just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize