One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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