I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
