Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
