She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
