So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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