im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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