I don't usually arrange sex via text message
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
