Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
