Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
