it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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