But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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