You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Holy sore nipples Batman
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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