You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I'm really busy with my period
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