I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize