its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
