Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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