I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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