I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
