I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so explain again why im purple
no
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
