I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
