this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
