That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
