How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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