This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
