So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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