Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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