I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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