im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
