Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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