i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
