Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
