So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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