you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize