FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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