I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
