I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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