ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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