the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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