I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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