I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Text me some of your sweat
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