i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
