about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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