just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
